tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53372638442162797742024-03-04T21:29:44.045-08:00I'm Not Jennifer SaundersBloggy Home of Author and Ghost Writer Hayley Sherman... Books, comedy, thinky life thoughts and stuff.Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-72357087773175535142015-05-18T07:02:00.001-07:002015-05-20T08:44:45.261-07:00In Your Face DVLA! It Only Took Me Twenty Years to Pass My Driving Test! (Part 1)<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s 1994 and I’m seventeen. I’m one of the oldest in the
lower sixth and I’m ready to take my driving test before most of my classmates
are old enough to get their L-plates. I make no secret of my superiority – In
your face, bus wankers! I would say had <i>The
Inbetweeners </i>been about four floppy haired losers who terrorised the
nineties. Instead, I have to rely on my own unique brand of smuggery and never
miss an opportunity to tell my land-dwelling, leg-relying, parent-taxied
friends about the exotic lands I plan to traverse. I’m an astronaut in
training. I’m off to the moon. At least you’d think I was for all the fuss I
made.</div>
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I’ve bought a car. I sit in it and play my Nirvana tapes
until the battery’s dead. I have friends over to sit in it as if it’s my house
and they’ve popped in for coffee. I hold the steering wheel as if I’m driving
and count down the days to my test.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then it arrives and I’m so excited that I may explode.
I’m a great driver; my driving instructor told me so. I’m going to be on the
road by lunchtime. I’m the duck’s nuts. But as the examiner strolls towards me
on that fateful day, I get the first sense that all of my gloating may have
been a little premature. Why didn’t anyone warn me about the nerves?<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman, can you just read the number plate over
there?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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He’s a friendly guy, young, seems supportive, so why is
there suddenly sand in my throat? Where are the words? I give a little cough
and put together the seven digits in a way that’s half audible and half
dribble, at least that’s how I remember it, and where has the drumming come
from? Has my heart actually moved into my right ear? That can’t be right.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman” – every sentence starts this way –
“let’s hit the road.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then I know that I should have kept all of my wild tales
of the road to myself as I reach down to the ignition key and my hand has
clearly turned into a saucepan. They both have, right there before my eyes and
there’s nothing I can do about it. And they’re both enormous. I have no idea
what’s happening to my feet; they’re becoming jellies and the car now has more
pedals than a church organ. Nothing is familiar; the steering wheel is
reptilian to the touch, its scaly skin breathing in and out, in and out, tiny
then huge, tiny then huge, in time with the heart in my right ear. In and out,
tiny then huge, and the gearstick is a sticky lolly that attaches itself to my
saucepan hands so that I can’t move. The seatbelt creeps around my neck and
won’t let go, holding me in a seat made of itchy jumpers and drawing pins.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman, if you’d like to start the car.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Somehow I do. I manage to combine the unruly assortment of
limbs and instruments until the car screams and the examiner makes the first of
many marks on his score sheet. And then we’re moving, rolling at first and then
flying (maybe to the moon). Which one’s the brake?<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman, right at the end.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I try and tell myself it’s going well, but as I turn we’re
thrown by a series of bumps as the front and back wheels mount the pavement.
We’re on the pavement! It’s the first turn out of the test centre and we’re on
the pavement! But I keep going and we’re soon back on the road. I take a peek
at the examiner to see if he’s noticed. He doesn’t mention it, so I start
humming to normalise us and don’t stop until the test is over.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman, right again here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m a little smoother on the turn this time, but I’m aware of
the screech of brakes and someone tooting their horn at me. Another sneaky look
at the examiner. Has he noticed that I pulled out in front of that car and we
almost had a crash? He doesn’t mention it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman, if you’d just like to pull up here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Anywhere here?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yup, anywhere here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Must be time for the manoeuvres. I’m shit hot with the turn
in the road.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay, Miss Sherman, I’m going to walk back to the test
centre now and I would like you to wait here for your instructor … No, I’ll
take the keys … No, unfortunately you haven’t passed this time … No, I’ll take
the keys.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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And as I watch him getting smaller and smaller in the
rear-view mirror, walking away from the shortest test in history, I can’t stop the appalling flood of tears at my appalling
display of drivery. What am I going to tell everyone? I’m such a prick. And
then I pull myself together and tell myself that it’ll be different next time.
I’m ready now. I know how this feels. I wipe my eyes and I’m not quite ready to
give up the dream. It will be different next time! How wrong can one person be? </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="background-color: white; clear: left; color: #7d181e; float: left; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="-webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="141" /></a><b style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> </b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-Sale-Hayley-Sherman-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1431957415&sr=8-2&keywords=hayley+sherman" target="_blank">Diazepam for Sale</a></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman, is now available on </span><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1" style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-decoration: none;">Amazon</a><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> </span><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-83504171244703577032014-03-12T17:18:00.001-07:002014-03-13T05:21:00.438-07:00Facebook: The Hotel California of the Internet<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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That’s right – you can check out any time you like, but you
can never leave. We are all just prisoners here of our own device!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Ha! But I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have</i> left.
I found a loophole beneath the newsfeed and slithered though it while a barrage
of ‘likes’ encouraged me, ‘pokes’ impaled me and ‘shares’ sang ‘Do you believe
in life after love?’ I kept on going until FB was a dot behind me with only the
faint hint of a meow in the air and the aroma of gravy, from all the cats and
dinners whose pictures I would never see again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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And how does this feel? Well, I’m not going to tell you
because I am now capable of having thoughts that I don’t need to share with
every past co-worker, school friend, family member, party acquaintance, lover,
boss and mate I have ever had. I am capable of keeping thoughts in my head and
asking myself if I like them rather than pinning them to the internet and
waiting for the ghosts of Hayley-past to validate me. I also don’t need to know
what you’re thinking/doing/eating/wearing/reading/panicking about/aspiring
to/laughing at/dreaming/philosophising/drinking/driving/playing/fancying/holding/planting/cooking
or painting all the time anymore. Let’s face it, most of us wouldn’t stop for a
chat in the street if we saw each other in real life and I’m calling you a
friend? Facebook has taken the word ‘friend’ and shaken it free of any meaning.
I’m determined to reclaim it for the people in my life that I love. </div>
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<br /></div>
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You see, I have spoken to more of my friends on the phone
since I left Facebook than I have in the past year. I know that I have been
lax, but there’s an illusion at work: when I'm on Facebook I see you every day; you write that you’ve had a terrible day at work and I sympathise; I write a
status about a publishing deal and you’re pleased for me; we are abreast of
each other’s lives without ever needing to hear each other’s voices. I miss
your voice. When you tell me things now I don’t say, ‘Yeah, I know, I saw it on
Facebook.’ I’m genuinely excited. I can’t wait to tell you all of the exciting
things that are happening in my life and see the look on your face. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But it’s not only the illusion of friendship that has
spurred my voluntary exile. I have never wasted so much time on anything in my
life ever as I have on Facebook. I work at home as an editor. When I work, I
have two tabs open: the book I’m working on and Facebook. It takes a few
minutes to edit a paragraph and it’s at this juncture that I check Facebook.
That’s after every single paragraph! Every single one! I don’t know whether it’s
a reward for the paragraph milestone or a complete compulsion, but at this rate
my work rate is split 50/50 between the stuff that pays and the stuff that …
what? It’s not as if there’s any danger of the cast of Eastenders hijacking my
newsfeed with a naked Flash Mob, ‘Sound of Music’ medley. What exactly did I
think was going to happen if I didn’t check it for five minutes?</div>
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<br /></div>
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And then there’s the colour of your grass… </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOW4GNkIpYVRnUao17IhPifQVroD6uhg3dIB2wZC0MZiP3fzp3pr9dU1ole_1yF5J2PX3zf1MlspMxyzfCXKu92jDRtE2iiwKrVJXc-wXxFt1xSUraQpkrUscIeRXKIuFBJBLcp5oRvXY/s1600/muscles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOW4GNkIpYVRnUao17IhPifQVroD6uhg3dIB2wZC0MZiP3fzp3pr9dU1ole_1yF5J2PX3zf1MlspMxyzfCXKu92jDRtE2iiwKrVJXc-wXxFt1xSUraQpkrUscIeRXKIuFBJBLcp5oRvXY/s1600/muscles.jpg" height="320" width="237" /></a></div>
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For example, as I cruise my timeline, I see a picture of your
beautiful family in perfect formation. Everyone is smiling, smartly dressed and
well-behaved. The sun is shining and it looks as if you’re at a zoo or a park.
Not a hair is out of place. You are a family clearly taking a day out between a
shoot for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hello</i> magazine and
auditions for a commercial advertising the kind of shampoo that’s tough on adults
but gentle on kids. What you neglect to show are the hundreds of pictures you
had to take to get this one good shot because little Timmy’s got behavioural
problems and won’t sit still for a minute and little Jesse likes to give the
finger and five minutes before had been chewing mud and George would rather
have been in the pub and ‘For the love of God, can we just get one good picture
for Facebook please, you little fuckers! … And now look – the bastard sun’s
gone in again…’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one is actually putting the real colour of their grass on
Facebook, but it’s difficult to remember this all the time. I don’t think I’m the
type of person to compare lives because I’m actually quite content, but I’m
aware that my subconscious isn’t nearly as chilled out as I am and is using all
of this shit to make a compilation CD to play in the background over and over
again called ‘How do you measure up, you useless tit? Greatest Hits’. That’s
just the way the subconscious rolls.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, that’s it. I’m out! I’m done!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But of course, as the song says, ‘You can check out any time, but you
can never leave.’ I still have to keep my account so I can run my Facebook
business page. Apparently you can’t be a freelance anything without one and you
certainly can’t be a novelist. However, I have cut my 'friends' down to a tiny number of people that I genuinely want in my life and wouldn't want to lose contact with, so it serves as a kind of dormant address book - the account deactivated but available. You may have followed a link from Facebook
to this blog, which is an irony I’m quite pleased with as I start to leach the
marrow from my former captors. The irony of the existence of this blog vs.
everything I have just written is one that I hope we can overlook… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-48240355705177672412013-10-09T12:54:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:30:52.764-07:00Jennifer Saunders at the Southbank Centre and Why it's Never Cool to be a Superfan<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Anyone
who follows my blog (as much as it’s possible to follow something that doesn’t actually
move for months on end – sorry!) will know that it’s not a Jennifer Saunders
fan site. Jennifer Saunders is my holey old jumper that I put on when I’m
feeling a little unwell or upset and need to hear jokes that I know the punch-lines
to or just be in trusting, uncomplicated, familiar company. You can read my <a href="http://notjennifersaunders.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/im-not-jennifer-saunders.html" target="_blank">first post</a> for more thoughts on this subject, but the overall point is that we
all have these holey old jumpers (authors, bands, comedians, actors, etc.); we just
can’t wear them all the time. There are new authors, bands, comedians, actors,
etc. to be discovered, work to be done, relationships to be had and life to be
lived. In fact, I now use Jennifer Saunders as a marker of how well things are
going in my life. If the DVDs are cold then life is probably quite sweet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">That
said…Oh my God!...She was at the <a href="http://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whatson/jennifer-saunders-bonkers-78351-0" target="_blank">Southbank Centre</a> being interviewed and I went and
I’ve never seen her live before and…oh my God!...I’m such an unbelievable sap
that I almost cried when she came on the stage. What’s wrong with me? I’m a 36-year-old
woman attending a literary event not a 12-year-old Justin Bieber fan hoping to
get close enough to the stage to have his spit rain down me. How embarrassing!
What’s more, I immediately felt possessive. What were all those other people
doing there pretending like they knew what Jennifer’s all about, laughing at
obscure Comic Strip references as if they understood them? Pah! She’s my Jennifer
Saunders! Bugger off! But then it became quite obvious that she’s not just
mine; the woman next to me looked as if she was going to kill
me when I opened my bag of sweets noisily and she potentially missed a few sacred words
from her hero; one weirdo had come all the way from Canada to see her and when
given the opportunity to ask her a question couldn’t gather her thoughts to say anything but a garbled mumble about a diamond ring; other
people came forward to ask questions, all prefixed by the words, ‘I love you,
Jennifer.’ And do you know what? At no point during the whole interview did
Jennifer Saunders look in my direction to seek me out, say hey, find out how I
am. After all these years and the hours we’ve spent in each other’s company,
this was the least I had expected.</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_ZA1oAY1rqD7EcD7vy93XqNvrSs05K2YFDO8vNWe4lKZsCkWGcSs-LChrTJRcFL4Km4MwNAPVVCrD5-wrBlG7e6efyQeg7mcApNr_DbxPbcw5lXk1k5Woe3cHqR53J9gs5Iaqr1FCQE/s1600/jstattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_ZA1oAY1rqD7EcD7vy93XqNvrSs05K2YFDO8vNWe4lKZsCkWGcSs-LChrTJRcFL4Km4MwNAPVVCrD5-wrBlG7e6efyQeg7mcApNr_DbxPbcw5lXk1k5Woe3cHqR53J9gs5Iaqr1FCQE/s1600/jstattoo.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
realise that all of this makes me sound a little crazy, but I think that it’s
that pretend closeness that makes people crazy. Some part of us really thinks
that we know celebrities and so they must know us back. This became apparent to
me years ago when I was in a pub in Brighton and saw a familiar bloke sitting
on a nearby table. ‘I’m sure I went to school with that guy,’ I told my mate. ‘I
should pop over and say hi.’ Turns out it was Will Young, but I was convinced that
we knew each other. Thankfully my friend stopped me from making an absolute tit
of myself. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">With
this in mind, I guess meeting our heroes will always be an anti-climax and this
is why I didn’t stay for Jennifer Saunders’ book signing after the interview. I
knew that I would say something embarrassing and sycophantic or drop a nonsense on the table in front of her and she would probably
roll her eyes at me or glaze over because I was the fiftieth or sixtieth
mentalist to approach her thinking that there was some sort of closeness
between us. So I kept my cool, went home, put the day behind me and put on an
episode of Absolutely Fabulous instead.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnXT1L97DEMWoGAzE5_4FmbcNV1XAQFelu43t2NdfWwWz0_kTSC6BI4k4DUQkxh956R4AMeCiO5AMOSUcBvceMp13wVx_DCTGZ8FkdXvC7vGoFa7p8qZdy5CBHCx6e_eCaJI_ja1mXuhc/s1600/thom-yorke-face-tattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnXT1L97DEMWoGAzE5_4FmbcNV1XAQFelu43t2NdfWwWz0_kTSC6BI4k4DUQkxh956R4AMeCiO5AMOSUcBvceMp13wVx_DCTGZ8FkdXvC7vGoFa7p8qZdy5CBHCx6e_eCaJI_ja1mXuhc/s1600/thom-yorke-face-tattoo.jpg" height="320" width="272" /></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Before
I wrote this blog I thought I would do a quick Google search about superfans
(understatedly defined by Wikipedia as ‘[people] who show a great deal of
excitement for something’) and very quickly realised that compared to other
nutjobs all I have is a mild case of admiration for Jennifer Saunders. <a href="http://www.oddee.com/item_98593.aspx" target="_blank">There are people who have had plastic surgery to look like their idols, sent them letters in menstrual blood and covered their bodies in tattoos and that’s not to mention devotion shown in phenomenal volumes of calls, tweets and cash spent. One woman changed her name to Mrs Kanye West and another broke her own leg to be like Jessie J when she was injured in 2011</a>. Perhaps most extreme, one One Direction fan <a href="http://hollywoodlife.com/2013/09/13/one-direction-dead-dog-twitter-fan/" target="_blank">killed her own dog</a> to get their attention on Twitter. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Yeah,
by comparison I think I’m fine! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
(FYI, the JS tattoo pictured above is not on my leg.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Also pictured, <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/photos/17-crazy-celebrity-face-tattoos/thom-yorke-face-tattoo/" target="_blank">chest tattoo</a> of Radiohead's Thom York with nipple for eye. Hmmm!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-36064181529071846812013-04-09T09:17:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:31:48.309-07:00Should British Comedy Thank Margaret Thatcher?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMEJwPn0v8JBfpscVnBCHngUtN6S81aS8P_qwox8jj0yhDfaWClyA6Lq99r0_NwAKjgTtX0u94w1gmeFLtycRsg-DV7bMSkqn7PoZlnqyc7v93tlk_tiowcCsnx4XU3n6SDW5h7vPPCOw/s1600/thatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMEJwPn0v8JBfpscVnBCHngUtN6S81aS8P_qwox8jj0yhDfaWClyA6Lq99r0_NwAKjgTtX0u94w1gmeFLtycRsg-DV7bMSkqn7PoZlnqyc7v93tlk_tiowcCsnx4XU3n6SDW5h7vPPCOw/s1600/thatcher.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></a>When I was a child, the alternative comedians of the
eighties taught me how to hate Margaret Thatcher. She was everywhere, this
pointy-faced, vile witch of a pantomime villain, and as a young kid sucking on alternative comedy like a bag of
glue, it was my responsibility to boo her on sight. Did I understand the politics?
No, not really. It wasn’t until later that I discovered the wide and varied shades
of shit that she rained down on Britain from her indiscriminately spraying arsehole. So, learning to hate her in advance was quite lucky for an
under-ten like me.
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For the rest of the country, the wave of alternative comedy
that hit Britain in the 1980s gave voice to the very real frustration that this
woman’s reign invoked. Whether it was Ben Elton or Alexei Sayle ranting into
the mic, Rik in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Young Ones</i>
blaming her for his own shortfalls or the grotesque rubber rendering of Her
Ironness in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Spitting Image</i>, she was
everywhere and it could be argued that rebelling against her resulted in some
of the most sublime, energetic and important comedy ever performed in this
country. Comedically, this launched the careers of a generation of talent that
still endures. Politically, this was a way of reducing Thatcher’s perceived power
and potentially rallying opposition. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Of course, this is not the first time that comedy has been
used as a weapon; Google ‘Hitler cartoons’ and you will see how ridiculing the
führer was an invaluable tool in WWII (No, I am not comparing Thatcher to
Hitler!). However, it does seem to me that the eighties brought satire into the
mainstream because Margaret Thatcher provoked such a strong reaction in the
comedic thinkers of the day. These were the alternative comedians; they were
moving away from the mother-in-law jokes of the working-man’s set and the
absurdity of the Oxbridge contingency. They were young, pumped and wanted to
stamp their size-9 Dr Martins down on what they saw going on around them. They
had microphones and it would have been irresponsible not to use them to fight
back. You could argue that Margaret Thatcher was just gravy and these
revolutionaries would have steered British comedy in a new direction anyway,
but I find this hard to believe. She was the catalyst to revolution in the
comedy world.</div>
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People are now talking about Margaret Thatcher’s legacy. I’m
a working-class lefty, so my view is fairly predictable, especially as the
Tories are now in power again and David Cameron seems to be only a dress and a
pair of high heels away from literally following in her footsteps. Others will
claim that she’s the best thing since nostril-hair clippers and the country
would be drowned in custard (or something equally implausible) if she hadn’t
made it to number ten. With all this talk of her political legacy, it seems
trivial to bring this back to comedy, but British comedy (and music for that
matter) has never had a muse quite like her, and for someone who is really
struggling to find something to praise a dead woman for, this is all I can come
up with. </div>
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Her comedic legacy is that satire is now a mainstream
feature of our lives, whether on stage, TV or radio. We expect our leaders to
be pulled up and made accountable by our comedians; we laugh at it, but we also
know that something important is happening underneath. Many a truth is told in
jest, and for a large section of society who would not consider themselves politically-minded,
comedy is an accessible route to information and awareness. Some comedians are
still just in it for the laughs and this is great, but many are devoted to
giving voice to political injustice and social frustration, and as long as this continues to happen
there will always be the possibility of change. </div>
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Thank you, Mrs Thatcher (sort of)</div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-38691226685645494562013-02-04T18:08:00.000-08:002013-10-21T08:33:19.184-07:00Does Brutally Killing Children in My Novels Make Me a Murderer?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjydXEozYbfC1cZSebBPGBRhpc-cWEuKvRB8rbNqp2dbttoIh5K103zyscUNb0Ltgcqzl8fJOE1_gMUpiKXz_lbOG1ip74uGlqWx5Akf6VMl1RefBfvChgRQTOkBYVGKNJ8yDikolTI6Eo/s1600/knife.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjydXEozYbfC1cZSebBPGBRhpc-cWEuKvRB8rbNqp2dbttoIh5K103zyscUNb0Ltgcqzl8fJOE1_gMUpiKXz_lbOG1ip74uGlqWx5Akf6VMl1RefBfvChgRQTOkBYVGKNJ8yDikolTI6Eo/s1600/knife.gif" height="193" width="200" /></a></div>
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This is a question that all writers will ask themselves at
some point in their careers if they’ve ever had to get their hands bloody in the
name of plot development. It will be especially pertinent if, like me, you have
too much time on your hands, hate January and spent the month asking yourself stupid
questions that make little sense and have no connection to real life.
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You see, I’m working on a psychological thriller at the
moment, which is a bit of a departure for me. I committed murder in my last
book, but this new project takes it to a whole new level; the death rate is
high and the victims are little children. The murder in my first book was also of
a child, but it was different because he deserved it*; the murders I’m writing
at the moment are killing pure innocence and it’s my job to make them as
realistic, stomach-churning, sickening and shocking as possible, so that by the
time you’ve reached the end of the chapter you really will want to call the
police and report the atrocity. So, does this make me a murderer? I confess
that the inspiration for this book was partly a real-life event that I felt sad
about for a while before a familiar twisted thought snuck in – ‘That would make a
really cool novel.’ Normal people don’t think this way. They read the
newspaper, feel sad and then make a sandwich; thoughts don’t wear them down
until they're being held hostage by their biros and forced to kill. I’m a
terrible, terrible person.</div>
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I literally can’t not write this book at the moment; it’s
consuming my thoughts. However, in truth, my commitment to the project exists
despite the murder chapters not because of them. To be completely honest, I
hate writing them and I’m writing them as delicately as possible, which makes
me a reluctant murderer. I don’t want to commit them; I want these little
children to blossom, grow up and live positive and meaningful lives, but wicked
hands in the book have other ideas. However, I’m the one steering these
hands, so I can never be completed absolved. I’m extremely relaxed and groovy
as a person and every drop of blood I drain from these children rubs against my
conscience; I know that no one is really getting hurt, but it’s troubling that
I could possibly have these disturbing things in my head. I’m a terrible, terrible person.</div>
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You may be wondering why (as someone who is also quite
squeamish) I’m choosing to write this book. The answer is the effect of these
killings. I may not be adept at murder, but I know all about the wide and
varied ways that the brain gets messed up by life, and this is another
exploration into the frailty of the human mind and how life as we know it can
be completely blown apart in a moment. My main character is as screwy as you
like, and the litter of dead children put in her path drives her completely
over the edge. This, I feel no guilt about. All of my favourite books take the reader
on journeys of the mind and this is the kind of fiction that I will always
write. If you liked the journey and the unpredictable twists and revelations of
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Diazepam for Sale</i>, you’re going to
love this. Watch this space for more info.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMmYm2KrIgTs1YUsNqlVgqTt-8pGhrQXTHueOPGmejwSmMuBEiLs6UtH9gwzrys6zN3qsL96q5GlDz8478kKkg2VUXfGXt30y10HK_GIZFN9Skzkb2Vn8NS2l0J7656VWBjoRPKSgQaog/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMmYm2KrIgTs1YUsNqlVgqTt-8pGhrQXTHueOPGmejwSmMuBEiLs6UtH9gwzrys6zN3qsL96q5GlDz8478kKkg2VUXfGXt30y10HK_GIZFN9Skzkb2Vn8NS2l0J7656VWBjoRPKSgQaog/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+Cover.jpg" height="200" width="141" /></a></div>
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*He deserved it? Really? Read the book and you’ll
understand. </div>
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<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/" target="_blank">Diazepam for Sale</a> is available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1350350698&sr=1-1" target="_blank">Amazon</a><br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-63749412395591099582013-01-06T07:07:00.000-08:002013-10-21T08:34:38.061-07:00New Year's Resolution? I’m moving to the 19th Century. It Looks Nice There<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJKHyRTgOScwPxLWiqPpaP3qGTvWx6xt3HdAOtsIsrRlwGFrxWg6bdDqqfFW8kGrfQIQhVwzLFW1tK8Wr-swL-xXi_s6PTi6XTKGniCYgjuO_9vEBITpwH1zzPoD8eEncCt2Wwu9NjgsU/s1600/tvhead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJKHyRTgOScwPxLWiqPpaP3qGTvWx6xt3HdAOtsIsrRlwGFrxWg6bdDqqfFW8kGrfQIQhVwzLFW1tK8Wr-swL-xXi_s6PTi6XTKGniCYgjuO_9vEBITpwH1zzPoD8eEncCt2Wwu9NjgsU/s1600/tvhead.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b>Firstly, Happy New Year. Secondly, what the hell am I doing
in this century when the 1800s were tailor-made for me? I seem to be asking
myself this over and over again at the moment and I’ve made it my resolution to
move back there. You may think that this is an unrealistic NY resolution, but –
let’s face it – it’s no more unrealistic than the ‘I will stop smoking/lose
weight/be nicer/have a personality bypass’ brigade, who will also forget that
the New Year ever happened before they’ve said goodbye to January.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should clarify that I’m not moving back to be a scullery
maid or a lady; my 19<sup>th</sup> century is creeping towards revolution and I
live in classless Kent in a bohemian country house. I am a writer with a writer
partner and we throw eccentric parties for other members of the Fabian Society.
We talk stories and the imminent revolution and we all have secret affairs with
each other in fields of daisies. We have lots of children, some of which we
have made and some we have collected. We paint and sing and dance, and put on
shows for each other. We are happy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are two other things that I should probably explain.
Firstly, I’ve been reading <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Children’s
Book</i> by A.S. Byatt and have adopted the author’s snapshot of late-Victorian
life as my template (I’m ignoring all the bad things that happen in the book –
highly recommended, by the way). Secondly, my desire for a temporal relocation
may have quite a lot to do with my desire to get a refund on the 21<sup>st</sup>
century. You see, no one in 1894 was ever told that there was an unexpected
item in the bagging area; they didn’t have to waste valuable hours writing and
re-writing wiggly, unrecognisable ‘captcha’ words just to communicate with each
other; they didn’t have to hear ‘Gangnam Style’ on the bus and children
‘LOL’ing like seals; they didn’t have to send a text to get their children to
look at them; and they didn’t have to wonder which vacuous ‘celebrity’ would be
distracting everyone from the things that really matter next. There were little
shops rather than great, big, soul-sucking corporations; there was trust rather
than CCTV and government eavesdropping; they didn’t slather their elderly in
Oil of Olay to stop them looking so embarrassing; kids ran around exercising
more than their thumbs and eyeballs; and quality was always preferred to
quantity. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You see, I don’t want to watch a film in the garden, do
business on the train or meet a partner based on statistics; I don’t want to
have to choose between 800 types of shampoo with all their varying promises to
make me taller, richer and thinner. This is a world where we’re pressured to
label the tat-pusher’s wares as essential and forever being persuaded that we
need the all-singing, all-dancing crap that really makes us unhappy. You can’t
afford to live without selling your soul; you can’t scratch your backside
without red tape. In fact, the 21<sup>st</sup> century is like sitting in a room where
all the chairs are facing the wall. I want to talk and love and wear ill-fitting clothes without brushing my hair. I want to be paddling and swimming not
wading and drowning. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, so the 19<sup>th</sup> century had its shortfalls too
(and I know I’ve fallen into a bit of a rant), but where are we all going?
Man’s historical desire to push forward and fuck the consequences will soon
have us all communicating with the chips in our heads (if communication will
still be seen as important in the future), fed intravenously and sucking
information out of straws.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I know that this might seem hypocritical, as I’m using
technology to write this, while listening to my iPod and eating food that I’ve
whipped up in 2 minutes in the microwave, but I would give it all up for a big
pile of nothing. How can I, though, in a society where I get accosted for
occasionally refusing to take my phone out with me (but we were trying to
contact you!), where pen and paper have become ornamental oddities, where I am
a freak for wanting things to be simple? So that’s it; I’m moving back to the
19<sup>th</sup> century and you can’t stop me… And breathe!<br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-77079533076966459382012-12-11T18:26:00.000-08:002013-10-21T08:35:06.531-07:00I Love the Smell of Dystopia in the Morning<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIazZYULG7r-S3IKYC25pSoH5pc88nggsWODXUw9E0iicjfxgAcIykv1KPGz52Cwla7fHLUZ_zUYTI9PFU1TQj2-sXhlZifxsV88xl3wk0wKrxVjCKWWWOgmYc7CGcFZGRXt3_YvpzFgc/s1600/1984.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIazZYULG7r-S3IKYC25pSoH5pc88nggsWODXUw9E0iicjfxgAcIykv1KPGz52Cwla7fHLUZ_zUYTI9PFU1TQj2-sXhlZifxsV88xl3wk0wKrxVjCKWWWOgmYc7CGcFZGRXt3_YvpzFgc/s1600/1984.jpg" height="200" width="122" /></a></div>
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We all know the set-up; the world has gone tits-up and our
protagonist has to battle the dictators, cameras, crazies and brain-washed
nay-sayers until he or she can find a way out, away or underground to the
safety of other everyday normals who just want a peaceful life. This is the
realm of the dystopian novel, where humans are oppressed for doing human
things, and insanity and illogic prevail. We’ve all read them – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1984</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Brave New World</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fahrenheit 451</i>,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Handmaid’s Tale</i>, to name but
four. The author selects a problem currently facing society and magnifies it by
a million to scare the shit out of us all, but keep us turning the pages,
because there is nothing more captivating than the question, ‘What if?
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It’s the question that I ask myself every day when I’m
writing, but my ‘what ifs’ are usually a lot less political and are full of
whimsy, bordering on a carnivalesque kind of appreciation of pushing my
characters as far as I can take them (What if she sees Frank Sinatra on the bus,
but he isn’t dead; he’s stuck in Brighton and stalked by seagulls? That kind of
thing). Mine are the ‘what ifs’ of surreal fantasy, but the dystopian authors
employ a far more admirable kind of questioning that brings an eerie realism to
what is also essentially fantasy. Their ‘what ifs’ are loaded with an arsenal
of terror as we are shown a society that we recognise as our own, destroyed by decisions
and issues that we also recognise all too well.</div>
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I have thought about writing a dystopian novel. Mine would
be set in a world where political decisions are made that change the world
while the brain-washed masses are distracted by pointless ‘news’ stories about
celebrities and reality TV shows. I also thought about inventing a reality TV
show to keep my characters hooked and calling it ‘Big Brother’ – a kind of
post-modern, ironic nod to the godfather of dystopia – but surely, it’s too
farfetched! </div>
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My reason for bringing up the subject of dystopian fiction
is that I’ve stumbled upon two more for my list. Yes, there are more than six
dystopian novels in the world, but I’ve done some of the classics and now we’re
onto the young guns – two indie books and, incidentally, two of the books that
made me smile the most this year. I don’t really do book reviews here for three
reasons (1. part of my real job is to critique fiction, which makes it feel
like work; 2. It makes me feel like I’m back at university: thus, work; 3. I’m
selfish), but here’s a quick shout-out so that you can hunt them down and enjoy.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzJLJq26xZUMdD_ySYTabMqOyJgZ9kskXwj4WR3G_gGLQhmee9e28JktPICd-p_PgQn9s2KBg6QnolBp4CDRBNG71Z2WTu-HD3mGMrevbJ_9_AjVlNLkyflQgRk8vRfvqkh_7I9hQmFAU/s1600/dys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzJLJq26xZUMdD_ySYTabMqOyJgZ9kskXwj4WR3G_gGLQhmee9e28JktPICd-p_PgQn9s2KBg6QnolBp4CDRBNG71Z2WTu-HD3mGMrevbJ_9_AjVlNLkyflQgRk8vRfvqkh_7I9hQmFAU/s1600/dys.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
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The first is <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dyscountopia-ebook/dp/B007TP1GHK" target="_blank"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dyscountopia</i></a>
by Niccola Grovinci. As the synopsis will tell you, this book is set in a world
where the planet has been roofed and taken over by a megastore. Everyone works
for the megastore, streets are aisles and there is no alternative way of life.
What the synopsis doesn’t tell the reader is how fast paced and original this
tale really is, how the language punches you in the face and how the neat
little touches almost make this world of consumerism-gone-mad believable. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitqyW2PXu8syUjJI4x1nV1cWtinOiduDlzyOsZYqlzaZVzuMBXa8zzTCrcyfMZKKSDuiz5LwDXOLl3quDcakJEfGiq0CtlDjif5gCXaPndnhnJPILIW9CjPChLUOZjOQkpjbIwIJhG0yk/s1600/win.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitqyW2PXu8syUjJI4x1nV1cWtinOiduDlzyOsZYqlzaZVzuMBXa8zzTCrcyfMZKKSDuiz5LwDXOLl3quDcakJEfGiq0CtlDjif5gCXaPndnhnJPILIW9CjPChLUOZjOQkpjbIwIJhG0yk/s1600/win.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
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The second is <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Windigo-Soul-ebook/dp/B007B3XVLY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1355277902&sr=1-1" target="_blank"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">WindigoSoul</i></a> by <a href="http://www.robertbrumm.com/index.html" target="_blank">Robert Brumm</a>, which is a mashed-up puppy of a book where
over-population has crippled living standards and extraordinary measures are
put in place to tip the balance in humanity’s favour. These measures, however,
include enforced euthanasia at sixty. Great characters navigate a cracking
storyline that really capitalises on this thought-provoking setup and makes for
a great read. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I think that the most terrifying aspect of the genre is not
the worlds that are created by these authors, but those characters that have
complete faith in their way of life: the unquestioning, ever-obedient
inhabitants who believe in their world because those in power have told them to
do so. I’m sure that I don’t need to labour the parallels to real life any
further… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-86261113667352767582012-11-17T13:33:00.000-08:002013-10-21T08:35:34.404-07:00How a Short Story Nearly Saved the World<i><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7yvViF4p8rRKvP4IBodv9vLbYWbsuZjOUkqG9TNolyTpYxLpgyZNbRg9aL9sux5f4wE_7xPWEg5HWryFDQLhqe0GU-s39lA5ig5MZXMsCstE9m3yd41caos9m2KjKxTxoKo9wQs3muII/s1600/floating.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7yvViF4p8rRKvP4IBodv9vLbYWbsuZjOUkqG9TNolyTpYxLpgyZNbRg9aL9sux5f4wE_7xPWEg5HWryFDQLhqe0GU-s39lA5ig5MZXMsCstE9m3yd41caos9m2KjKxTxoKo9wQs3muII/s1600/floating.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b>I finished my story a few days ago. It had taken ten years.
I didn’t mean it to take so long, but each word was a matchstick in an
elaborate, glorious model, the kind my granddad used to make – a warship or a
plane – and I was never very good with my hands.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
The first thing I did was read it to my wife; it was the
least I could do after ten years, but I could see that her expectations were
low. I felt like I was eight years old and showing her a picture I’d painted
that she knew wouldn’t fit on the fridge unless she moved her shopping list, dieting
mantras, bills and all the other things that were far more important.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My</span> expectations
were low, but as I began to read she began to unravel. Just like that. Her arms
unfolded, her legs uncrossed, her facial muscles unwound and I swear I could
hear her heartbeat marking every other verb. And when I had finished she began
to rise, slowly at first. Her feet were barely there; she didn’t use those, but
rise she did – out of the chair and into the space above us, swirling and
spinning, gliding and swooping, the shopping list and mantras and bills a
distant memory.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Are you okay, love?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She didn’t answer at first. She was figure-of-eighting
around the lampshade and…was that laughing? It wasn’t like any kind of laughter
I’d heard before.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Wait there!’ I was beginning to panic. ‘I’ll get you down.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Don’t worry about me. Just open the window.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I did and she floated out unlike any butterfly I had
ever seen. She swooped and spun and just lay in the sky as if it was where she
had always belonged, and then she reappeared at the window, completely
unravelled. Didn’t anything matter anymore? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She gathered every part of her face with some effort and
said, ‘Tell everyone.’ Then she disappeared again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hadn’t receiving a review as good as this in my entire
writing career. And from my wife too! So I ran into the street, grabbed the
first person I found and after some persuasion, read the story again. As I read he looked
as if he might fall asleep, but in a good way, as if he had never been hugged
before and I had wrapped my arms around him and told him everything was going
to be alright. And then he drifted into the air, peacefully lounging in a bed
he never knew he deserved.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then other people were approaching me to read them the
story and before I knew it, the sky was full and I was alone beneath the impossible
air show, just looking. What else could I do?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Get in the van!’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was as good an option as anything else, so I followed the
instruction. Where the van had appeared from, I had no idea, but they were
wearing masks and I had seen people like these in films. When these people told
you to get in the van you did it and when they told you to remain silent you did
that too. The next thing I knew I was being cross-examined in the Ministry of
Short Stories. Who knew?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The man was nice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Your story is beautiful.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blush.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘We’d like to buy it, with your permission. For
our…collection.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You like stories?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘After a fashion.’ He had a mole, a big mole, the kind of
mole you could take a bite out of without affecting its mass.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘What do you want to do with it?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘We could use it to make the world a better place.’ Mole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘That sounds nice. I’d quite like to keep it though. What
did you say you wanted to do with it?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Add it to our collection.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I guess you have lots of stories here.’ Big mole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Yes and they all serve a purpose.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Like in the street?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘After a fashion.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Hmm!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Hmm! Indeed. We can pay you a substantial amount of money.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wasn’t really fussed about money. I didn’t like that mole.
I didn’t like the collection. But he was nice so I reached into my pocket and
handed over the mangled sheet of A4. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He looked surprised.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I know it off by heart, you see.’ I offered. ‘We can make
the world a better place together.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Hmm!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then silence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘This presents us with a little problem.’ Mole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘What’s that?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Well, let me take this from you.’ He took the story from
me, gripping it with tweezers, and then deposited it in some kind of strange
plastic bag that I had also seen in films. ‘We’ll talk again, but first I
wonder if you’d be interested in reading one of the stories from our
collection.’ He used the tweezers again to release another story from another
bag and delicately placed it in front of me as if it might explode if he
disturbed it too much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Is it a nice story?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘After a fashion.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I unfolded the page and opened my mouth to read the first
word.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Wait!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘What?’ Mole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I’ll leave you alone to enjoy it.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I shrugged. He could suit himself. I love a good story and
he left the room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was alone again, I settled into my chair. It had to
be a good one. Mine had taken ten years to write. This had to be good to make
it to the collection, to make it to the Ministry of Short Stories.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Once upon a time,’ I began to read.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that truly was the end.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-8786579826418020022012-10-04T08:12:00.001-07:002013-10-21T08:36:07.760-07:00Stephen Fry Saved Me… Twice!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2aqAiWRhx7IsbvnL6aug_ilPA4MbykmkkDuBMrq8AKM301t0tkNEJMAd4CHpmsg9NDi7D95nhwj93DLma7as7apeDZeCJXdaZ4igQCNb0not5tCWf7igFTzuVa4AnRBLkoF65LSYqqX8/s1600/Fry+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2aqAiWRhx7IsbvnL6aug_ilPA4MbykmkkDuBMrq8AKM301t0tkNEJMAd4CHpmsg9NDi7D95nhwj93DLma7as7apeDZeCJXdaZ4igQCNb0not5tCWf7igFTzuVa4AnRBLkoF65LSYqqX8/s200/Fry+1.jpg" height="200" width="197" /></a></div>
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This week I have been reading <i>The Fry Chronicles</i> by the
eponymous <a href="http://www.stephenfry.com/">Stephen Fry</a>. I’m not going to review it because, well, it was
published two years ago and I think I’ve missed my window. Everything that
could possibly be written about it has been written and in far fluffier prose
than I could muster with a mouth full of tissue (this isn’t a metaphor; I’ve
just been to the dentist – See <a href="http://notjennifersaunders.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/my-dentist-thinks-im-car-and-crooked.html">My Dentist Thinks I’m a Car</a> – and I’m starting
to wonder if my tooth mechanic is trying to see just how many teeth he can extract
before I start to question his motives). Needless to say, I enjoyed the second
instalment of Stephen Fry’s biographical offerings and would highly recommend
it. So, why did it take me two years to get around to reading it?</div>
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Let me put this in context. I loooved <i>Moab is my Washpot</i>,
his early memoir. In fact, I believe that it saved some part of me from
shrivelling into the folds of self-shame and disappearing. Here is a book about
a young boy becoming a young man whose adolescent wrestling match with himself
took him all the way to a young offenders’ institute. There was his genius to
cope with (not something I’ve been particularly troubled by), his awkwardness,
his compulsion towards mischief, and his sexuality. This was a mixed-up kid,
but Stephen Fry the Elder looks back with a soothing message for his former
self and for readers.</div>
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‘It’s alright!’ he simply states (I’m paraphrasing, of
course; why use two words when there is whole thesaurus at hand). ‘It’s
alright! Whatever you are, whatever you do, as long as you’re not hurting
anyone, it’s going to be alright.’ A simple message, but in the context of a
battle with self and sexuality, it was a message that I needed to hear.</div>
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I remember word of <i>The Fry Chronicles</i> unleashing itself onto
the world two years ago; I put up links on Facebook around the time of my
birthday, hoping that an odd sister or aunt might take the hint, and when it
didn’t materialise, I resolved to treat myself. Then what happened? Well, it
fell out of my head. Two years on and I see a copy in a charity shop. To be
honest, as a bestseller, it is a staple of charity shop shelves, but seeing it
this time caused a little ripple of excitement. How was the kid getting on at
Cambridge and then in the big wide world? How had he become the sumptuous
national treasure that we know and love? More importantly, what was his message
for me this time and was I ready to hear it? Perhaps I wasn’t two years ago.
Perhaps I would have read it with all of the openness of a child being dragged
to hear the bla-bla-bla-ness of Sunday mass on a rainy October morning. Isn’t
that the way with life? There is a time for everything. This much is obvious,
but what is more difficult to understand is that, as human creatures hopping on
the burning embers of day-to-day life and wondering where it all might lead, we
instinctively stumble upon the information that we most need at just the right
time. There is no logic to explain this magic (although the Law of Attraction
could sign its name below the miracle). The subconscious is such that at just
the exact point that we need to know something (sometimes for our emotional
survival) and are capable of absorbing the information, it knocks on the door
like an intuitive friend. I’ve been in doctors’ surgeries and found the most apt
articles in magazines that I wouldn’t normally touch, speaking directly to me;
I’ve bought books because of their interesting titles, not knowing that the
information inside was personalised to my specific needs; I’ve turned on the TV
at the exact point that a documentary was answering some of the most pressing
questions pestering my soul; I read <i>The Fry Chronicles</i> and Stephen Fry saved a
part of me for the second time. Not only did he give me something to write
about in this week’s blog, but his reassurances have held my hand through these
seven days. I’m not quite as candid as Stephen Fry to openly reveal my
inner-most revelations publicly, but I thank him for steering me in the right
direction and I thank the universe for never disappointing me.</div>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Q74BBPKM76C2 </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-74445517100213747712012-09-30T13:25:00.001-07:002013-10-21T08:36:40.621-07:00Diazepam for Sale<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX0zTQVMu_wY8rPLYBtztAVpIB-SqlhHz9ziHVLyfX2y3J1Vp1QhaN4k2ECdqd8Wlstc5yUQ9FSz7CNEKKHejQ7ie9G1RAEikHlCU9l_BPjw7KgSSK4W9QSqYucniAm1gaHJAEzH4T4Bs/s1600/Diazepam-for-sale-ebook.tiff" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX0zTQVMu_wY8rPLYBtztAVpIB-SqlhHz9ziHVLyfX2y3J1Vp1QhaN4k2ECdqd8Wlstc5yUQ9FSz7CNEKKHejQ7ie9G1RAEikHlCU9l_BPjw7KgSSK4W9QSqYucniAm1gaHJAEzH4T4Bs/s200/Diazepam-for-sale-ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">With mere weeks before the publication of my first novel, <i>Diazepam for Sale</i>, I thought it wise to include a blurb and extract in this blog. I'm so excited that I might just explode... I hope you enjoy it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><b>Blurb</b></span></div>
Emma used to be happy; now she looks as if life has fallen on her
from a twelfth-floor window and she forgot to put out her arms to catch
it. She used to be creative but now she can barely imagine
a sunny day in the rain. She is young, beautiful and engulfed in the
creative vibes of Brighton, but she divides her time between sitting on
her own private pebble indentation on the beach and
watching the dregs of afternoon TV – chewing gum for the mind.<br />
<br />
With her doctor refusing to offer her a prescription for anything
other than condescension, she is offered an unusual cure for her
depression from a man who promises to help her wear life like a
pair of loosely fitting loungey pants. And so begins her bizarre journey
into a past that belongs to someone else and a present that she wishes
didn’t belong to her. And the future? If only she could
get off the merry-go-round and start again it might just be okay.<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><b> </b> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Chapter 1</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Emma wasn’t crying when she arrived
at the doctor’s surgery, but it was here that the sadness really hit her. It
was as if someone had switched her off at the mains or replaced her endorphins
with Marmite. She tried to form the words to tell the receptionist about her eleven-thirty
appointment with Doctor Hue and all she could manage was a shaky murmur. The woman
behind the desk raised one eyebrow, asked her name and processed her with all
the enthusiasm and compassion of a shop girl swiping a sweaty lettuce over a
bleeping scanner. She handed her a wooden tag with the number three pressed
into it, pointed her in the direction of the waiting room and quickly turned
her flawed attention to a suspiciously orangey man who had queued behind. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Emma still wasn’t crying when she
sat down in the waiting room, but whether the tears were on the inside or
flowing for the whole world to see really made no difference to her as she
lowered herself into an uncomfortable chair and tried to make sense of her
surroundings. At a glance, the brightly decorated room inspired hope and was a
tranquil greenroom to warm up for the doctor/patient show. But it was a ruse.
The posters pinned to every available scrap of wall space told her that
everything remotely fun, tasty or indulgent was bad for her and used a range of
colourful characters to convey the sombre message. A small notice by the door
told that twenty people had missed their pre-booked appointments this week and
a new policy was being put in place to put this time-wasting to an end (maybe
including the use of some kind of corporal punishment), and all of the other
signs informed patients of misery classes they could attend to get them through
a soul-destroying life. A problem shared is a problem halved, but with misery’s
penchant for company, Emma pictured the distress of the cancer and rape
victims, the co-dependants and the alcoholics, dividing and multiplying and
taking on a life of its own to form a kind of hyper-misery to inject back into
the world. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
She picked up a battered copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hello</i> magazine, with a smiley face
sketched in the O in biro, and pretended to read the taglines. The tears,
however, were now lurking just under her lids and would burst out at any point,
so she had to concentrate hard. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
The old woman sitting opposite
her was also concentrating hard. She was an antique with very little hope for
restoration; her skin had a recycled quality to it, her ankles were bound in
frayed bandages so that her toes were blue and puffy, the fat around her calves
spilling over like poorly executed soufflé, and her head moved at intervals of its
own volition. An aware onlooker would doubt that she could even pull herself
out of her chair without some part of her falling off, but Emma was not an
aware onlooker. She didn’t even notice the old woman until the smiley face in
the O frowned and raised an eyebrow in her direction – at least that was what
the blur in front of her looked like after staring intently for ten minutes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Slowly, she pulled her head
heavily from its slump, swept a parting in her lank hair and felt a jolt of
terror and embarrassment to see that the old woman was staring not only right
at her, with eye balls that no longer fit their sockets, but she was looking on
with such an expression of pity that Emma could feel it landing on her cheeks
and transforming them into glowing radishes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
The old woman’s fingers twisted
into painful sausages and the stress of age and illness was contorting her
features, blending her seamlessly into the glum-making posters behind, but
still there was pity for Emma. It was as if the depression inside of Emma was
oozing from every pore and encasing her in a sticky gloom, hiding everything
that the woman should be seeing, should envy – the vibrancy of youth; delicate
features which when ignited by delight illuminated a room; fiery red hair that
no amount of hair dye could imitate, luscious and rich; a smile, which when not
transforming her lips lived coyly in her eyes. None of it was visible through
the gloom. Her eyes were dead, her hair greasy and even her uncomfortable
posture compromised the youth. The smile, which had been a trophy of hers for
so long, she kept in a cupboard at home in case of emergencies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Despite the excruciating creaking
of her bones, the old woman eased her body forward and reached out to touch
Emma’s leg. As her face came closer, Emma’s instinct was to look or run away,
but there was a softness and wisdom that held her gaze.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Very slowly, the old woman’s
shaky mouth opened, preparing to offer advice or wisdom or a recipe for chicken
soup, or any number of things that Emma would never find out because the number
three flashed behind her and with the buzz, the woman’s mouth slammed shut and
the hand was pulled away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘I have to…’ Emma finally said
and held up the number three tag to finish the sentence. She then slowly backed
towards the door and half-curtseying out of the room. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
And then came the tears. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Maybe it was the name on the door
– Doctor Hue – in solid, impenetrable, gold lettering. She tried to compose
herself and raised her tear-drenched hand to knock on the door, but the voice
beyond boomed, ‘Come!’ before she even made contact.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
She dragged both hands across her
face, cleared her throat and patted her summery skirt to free it of creases (or
maybe to rid it of the little flowers that she never really liked), and slowly
pushed through the heavy door.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Doctor Hue’s office was a true
testament to his success. Everything gleamed as if it was polished three times
a day: the desk, the books, the sports trophies that proved just how healthy he
was, even the leather armchair, which Emma opted against sitting on through
fear that she would slide off and land in the sea. She seated herself shakily
on an uncomfortable chair opposite his colossal desk and felt suddenly intoxicated
by a sickly sweet aroma, the origins of which were unclear. Doctor Hue,
however, was very comfortably seated, although he always seemed to sit
unfeasibly upright in his chair. He was either very proud in posture or was
being operated by a puppeteer with an extremely long arm. If, indeed, this was
the case, the puppeteer operated with immense subtlety; Doctor Hue’s hands
moved only to tap on the keyboard in front of him or push his thin-rimmed
glasses back into place; his head moved by slim, slow degrees as if he had
originally been a puppet in a horror spoof, and his expression was fixed in a
kind of faraway wonder that could be easily interpreted as boredom. None of
this changed to welcome his patient into the room or put her at ease. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Miss… Crown,’ he offered without
taking his eyes off his computer screen. ‘What can I do for you today?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Well,’ Emma began then the tears
came again and for a moment she couldn’t speak.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Doctor Hue either didn’t notice
or was offering a po-faced decoy as he Googled what to do when patients cry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘It’s the same as last week and
the week before,’ she told him. ‘You must remember me.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Of course,’ he lied, still
refusing to look at her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘You told me to come back if
things didn’t improve.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Have they?’ he asked, pushing his
glasses further up his nose, his eyes now furiously scanning his monitor (or as
furiously as his mysterious puppeteer would allow) to catch up with her
symptoms. Then he stopped and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did </i>look
at her. Something in his stare made Emma feel that the room, the chair and the
doctor himself had suddenly grown and she was now a mucky dot on the furniture,
something that his emphatic cleaner had missed and as a consequence, would
later reap an almighty punishment. His face was devoid of compassion, sympathy,
empathy. In fact, his eyebrows raised and his eyes glazed over as if she had
already been in seventeen times that morning and he was no longer enjoying her
company.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘I really don’t know what more
you expect us to do for you, Miss…’ This time he didn’t consult his screen for
her name.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘But I still can’t sleep. I’m
breaking into tears all the time.’ She was crying as she spoke, not by way of
demonstration or to prompt humility into his rigid, upright,
never-needed-help-before face, but because she really couldn’t help it. ‘And
the panic attacks; I’m still having panic attacks.’ She wanted to stop – the
tears and the words – but both were relentless: a watery plea to a man who
would move her along as soon as he could get a word in. ‘The locum gave me
Diazepam a few months ago. It really helped, but nothing else does. Look at me.
This isn’t normal. This isn’t how I’m supposed to be feeling.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Then a new expression came to his
face, one that she would never have predicted – a smile. ‘Diazepam,’ he
repeated and grinned at the suggestion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
She felt smaller still, as if the
furniture was now somehow ingested her. ‘Yeah. It helped. I didn’t –’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘And what would you do with this <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Diazepam</i>?’ he asked, emphasising the
name of the drug to give it a meaning that Emma couldn’t quite comprehend.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘I –’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘No, no, no!’ he smiled and shook
his head in time with the words. Then he didn’t say anything at all; he just
stared, challenging her to speak, but the moment she found the courage to open
her mouth he interrupted. ‘You do realise that Diazepam is highly addictive.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Yeah, but –’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘And you’re obviously aware that
Diazepam has quite a street value these days.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘What are you trying to say?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘No, no, no! I really think,
Miss...’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Emma summoned all her strength to
fight him. ‘Crown! My bloody name is Crown!’ But he didn’t even look up at her
attempt at an outburst. The puppeteer pulled hard on his eyebrows and folded
his arms, showing Emma that her defiance had confirmed her status as an
unstable addict and dealer. She wanted to say so much. The old Emma would never
have allowed herself to be treated like this, but the old Emma would never be
in a doctor’s office asking for Diazepam. She was a high-flyer, an artist, a
creative who thrived on life. She would have told him what to do with his
Diazepam and told him to ram his condescending, ugly, fat head up his arse. She
would have cut the puppet strings and watched him flail on the floor like a dry
fish sucking useless oxygen then stomped on the carcass. This Emma, however,
cried openly and relentlessly, the world disappearing around her. As the room
returned and her intense sobs became sad whimpers, she saw that Doctor Hue was
staring at her, still smiling then he looked down at his watch. She took a deep
breath and dragged her hand across her face. There was nothing more to say. She
grabbed around for a little dignity and found just enough to stand up, turn
away from the doctor and leave the room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Come and see me if things don’t
improve,’ she heard him say on the way out and she completed her turn on the
conveyer belt, followed closely by the half-dead wise woman who she was sure
would be packed off with a prescription for Paracetamol and a ‘Come back when
your head falls off’.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Diazepam for Sale is available from 15 October.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>For more information, visit <a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/">Whoosh Books</a> </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<i> </i> </div>
Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-60415132607695700342012-09-17T08:13:00.001-07:002013-10-21T08:37:06.504-07:00Sing-Along-a-Novel<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Ht_lHrSYfSfZ0khfV6M4ogoH3AY8K48LUCkGmZItxeRFfJLer3-plX-8um4ULGZ1QCpTcGoq5yJe7ge2FFzoG7PIDPTs88qTSa-3AYCnJhn-pqG18ZsOGIlWtE8USiAfGO0yErorToE/s1600/music.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Ht_lHrSYfSfZ0khfV6M4ogoH3AY8K48LUCkGmZItxeRFfJLer3-plX-8um4ULGZ1QCpTcGoq5yJe7ge2FFzoG7PIDPTs88qTSa-3AYCnJhn-pqG18ZsOGIlWtE8USiAfGO0yErorToE/s320/music.jpg" height="229" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Very quick blog because it’s Monday and I have a mountain of
proper, grown-up work to do. But there I was watching <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Downton Abbey </i>last night and enjoying wonderful lines like, ‘I say,
have you done something jolly with your hair?’ and then came the adverts and
the planned dash to the loo and kettle. But there was to be no wee and tea; I
couldn’t move for the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.eljamesauthor.com/music/fifty-shades-of-grey-soundtrack">Fifty
Shades of Grey: The Soundtrack</a></i>ness of it all. It’s a book and it’s a
soundtrack. Am I missing something? It’s a book and it’s a soundtrack? It’s not
music lifted from a film. It’s a book and it’s a soundtrack. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My first thought was that E.L. James can’t possibly have big
enough pockets to hold all of the cash that this latest housewife masturbation
aid is going to rake in for her. Then I got to thinking that this is über-cool.
This is a book that’s so big that it can sell an album. Reading is huge at the
moment. People are swallowing books like M&Ms (admittedly, this one is more
like S&Ms) and are still hungry for more. Books are taking over the world
one at a time and where there are ideas there is music. So, if it’s good enough
for E.L. James, it’s good enough for me. Ahead of my first novel release, here
is the soundtrack:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Diazepam for Sale: The Musical</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">...</span> Nirvana<br />
Fugitive Motel<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">... </span>Elbow<br />
The Importance of Being Idle<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;">... </span>Oasis<br />
Grey Gardens<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">... </span>Rufus
Wainright<br />
Creep<span style="mso-tab-count: 6;">... </span>Radiohead<br />
I am the Walrus<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;">... </span>The
Beatles<br />
I Want to be a Hippy<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;">... </span>Technohead<br />
I Could Be Happy<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;">... </span>Altered
Image<br />
Twisted<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">... </span>Skunk
Anansie<br />
Anarchy in the UK<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;">... </span>Sex
Pistols<br />
Oh! You Pretty Thing<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;">... </span>David
Bowie<br />
Uprising<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;">... </span>Muse<br />
Run Baby Run<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">... </span>Sheryl
Crow<br />
Lazy Sunday<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">... </span>The
Small Faces<br />
212<span style="mso-tab-count: 6;">... </span>Azealia
Banks<br />
Chop Suey<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">... </span>System
of a Down<br />
I Hate You So Much Right Now<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">... </span>Kelis<br />
Jesus Doesn’t Want me for a sunbeam (again!)... Nirvana<br />
<br />
Love it! </div>
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If you’ve got a book, give it a go and let me know how you
get on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, back to work!<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-43573276499736131272012-09-16T07:58:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:37:30.636-07:00How to Rule the World from your Sofa<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNY9kXelQrKwKqn8OR8gcrEAa_U-eXIiYKGJC7RKx3EJDKNNJRPT3x-jsdz92xTt9iDU41ItWyhHcyv1V-g9Wb-GVB3daQidOyjhbRg0YwtuaiInUB_fopoh95AS-ybFDHmrUnQKaq_4E/s1600/hicks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNY9kXelQrKwKqn8OR8gcrEAa_U-eXIiYKGJC7RKx3EJDKNNJRPT3x-jsdz92xTt9iDU41ItWyhHcyv1V-g9Wb-GVB3daQidOyjhbRg0YwtuaiInUB_fopoh95AS-ybFDHmrUnQKaq_4E/s200/hicks.jpg" height="200" width="133" /></a>Picture the scene: a woman is meditating with her husband.
This has become regular practice for them since they visited a spiritual guide
who told them that they were gifted and would be introduced to their own spirit
guide in another realm. They’re just getting their trance on and suddenly, the
woman’s head starts to shift about the place in sharp tics as if a swarm of
bees has found its way in through her ear. Her head’s really going for it and
might spin off at any second, but her husband, rather than trying to wake her
or calling an ambulance, grabs a pen and paper and starts to write. Yes, it’s
all okay; she’s obviously just spelling out words from another realm with her
nose. Who wouldn’t spot that?! And so begins their communication with ‘Abraham’,
their guide to all worldly knowledge via the medium of the nose.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How wonderful! I love a good yarn. But this is not fantasy;
this is the opening chapter of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/askitisgiven.php">Ask
and It Is Given</a> </i>by <a href="http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php">Esther and
Jerry Hicks</a>. In fact, this is the only section of the book that is written
by the pair; the rest comes directly from Abraham who takes control of Esther’s
laptop hands to deliver his message to the world. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you can see from my telling of the story, I’m a little
cynical, but the wonderful thing about this book is that it doesn’t matter
whether you think they’ve misplaced their marbles or you believe every word;
the imparted wisdom is life-changing, exciting, liberating and – above all –
realistic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizzGwNtucmqXMLEuYukGIA7GdFRWUEhg9UrDoKnhrFS2xoBxH93i9QdackY02GnaR5DjdIiq1W0R64pRaRQf80oXcWzm7YqJHvyz8CRW0CZKXAKduJMP8El8FDxtC6jRJXVoHXPDdY7_c/s1600/200px-TheSecretLogo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizzGwNtucmqXMLEuYukGIA7GdFRWUEhg9UrDoKnhrFS2xoBxH93i9QdackY02GnaR5DjdIiq1W0R64pRaRQf80oXcWzm7YqJHvyz8CRW0CZKXAKduJMP8El8FDxtC6jRJXVoHXPDdY7_c/s200/200px-TheSecretLogo.jpg" height="200" width="158" /></a></div>
Let me take a step back from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ask and It Is Given</i> to give you a bit of background. I’ve become a
little jaded in my experience of Law of Attraction books, mostly because they
make me believe that I’m superwoman and when I try to fly out of the window I
inevitably hit the ground. Take <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://thesecret.tv/">The Secret</a></i> by Rhonda Byrne for example; I
have the DVD and the book and I do actually think that the teachings are quite
wonderful. If you’re not familiar, the Law of Attraction teaches us that we can
have or be anything in the universe that we can possibly imagine – you are in
complete control of your life, ask and it shall be delivered, you can run the
world from your sofa, etc. etc. Draw a load of noughts on a £10 note, look at
it every day, visualise your hands gripping the steering wheel of your new car
and the universe will fill your order. Picture yourself as a rockstar and Simon
Cowell will randomly knock on your door if you focus on him enough. Wonderful! I’m
not saying that any of this is wrong. I 100% believe in the Law of Attraction,
but I also believe that some of us have a resistance to receiving. It’s the ‘I
can’t do that’, ‘I’m not worthy’, ‘I’ll never have that’. We all have
self-defeating behaviours and thoughts, and as wonderfully zingy as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Secret</i> is, it doesn’t cover this in
enough depth. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The idea is that we are all energy; everything has a
vibration and we need to vibrate at the same frequency as the things we desire
to receive them, as if we’re all radios setting ourselves to the right channel.
The challenge, as I see it, is that if you’ve spent your whole life
broadcasting on ‘Can’t-afford-my-bus-fare-this morning-Hope-there’s-a-special-at-McDonalds-for-lunch
FM’, it’s not that easy to switch to ‘fuck-the-bus-Caviar-for-dinner FM’. If
you’re a gloomfest of depression, it’s unlikely that you can paint a smile on
your chops and suddenly see yourself running through the daisies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, back to our friend Abraham. He knows that most of us
have had a go at being superheroes and have given up when our tights split. He
knows that we believe in the theory and have seen examples of the universe
acting on our whim and he wants to help us harness that, gradually and
realistically. So, he offers an emotional scale so you can see where you are
and where you would like to be and you can take the steps to advance up the
levels. You can travel up through ‘Things-are-kind-of-okay FM’ onto ‘Actually-the-world-looks-pretty-amazing-this-morning
FM’ until you’re transmitting on the exact frequency of your heart’s innermost
desires. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For me, personally, I’m a ridiculously positive person and
usually walk around with a stupid grin on my face, but my life circumstances
haven’t quite caught up with the inner joy that I naturally have. It’s amazing
that I still feel the glowy warmth of just being me after a year that could
diplomatically be labelled ‘interesting’. But there are things that I want
(more business, writing success, filthy wodges of cash, a leg that moves
without quite as much persuasion, smiles for my dad, good times with my
friends, to see amazing sights around the world, a beautiful home, a
narrowboat, to always have great ideas). The exercises in the book make me feel
that these things are possible for me. We don’t need to drive at full speed
towards our desires only to give up when we hit a tree of resistance. We can
remove the trees before we start out and then go spinning off into the sunset.
My problem has always been that I’m too content and chilled out. If I’ve got a
few quid in my pocket and a roof over my head then you’ll probably see me
smiling, but there is more out there for me and that wierdie, Abraham, is
holding my hand now. I’m expanding every day, ready to receive what is
rightfully mine. I can have it all and be all of the things that I want to be.
I can do anything, go anywhere, live any life I choose and one day – *rubs
hands together in a way that is a little sinister* – I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will</i> rule the world from my sofa.</div>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-91084805623340588582012-09-08T04:54:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:37:57.477-07:00The Accidental Cat<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3qxpVeXhX2QiiuKUIttLsM0liIU12R8u5H-ZqodfAfpKF9b8yBIx5jgvya29d66cwwvus6-vOPFlVDII7Gf3N0iE_SBosuS-YqpQLlBtxdEiYuvfUfB5T_VzdaGUgPvae7STNOVrS5ME/s1600/019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3qxpVeXhX2QiiuKUIttLsM0liIU12R8u5H-ZqodfAfpKF9b8yBIx5jgvya29d66cwwvus6-vOPFlVDII7Gf3N0iE_SBosuS-YqpQLlBtxdEiYuvfUfB5T_VzdaGUgPvae7STNOVrS5ME/s200/019.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to buy my mum a present. I had had major surgery on
my back and she had made all my meals, brought me bowls of water to wash with,
listened to me whinge and kept me company. It had to be special. It had to be
big.</div>
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‘What about an adorable little kitten?’ my sister suggested.</div>
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‘Aw! She’d love that.’ That was my niece.</div>
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‘Go on, Hayley. Get a kitten. Get a kitten. Get a kitten!’</div>
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I’ve always thought that cats are a bit pointless. My dad’s
not fond of them either and we’ve already got a dog. But as they banged on
about what a hero I’d be if I got my mum an adorable little kitten I started to
do that thing that never, ever works out for me. I pushed my instincts out the
window and started to get on board with the idea. Hours later, the tiniest
creature I’ve ever seen turned up on our doorstep with all of its belongings,
ready to move in. I sat it in the palm of my hand, thrust it in front of my
mum, ready to bask in the glory (she’s a crier. The gift is good if she cries),
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<br /></div>
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And what was I thinking? Dad went nuts, throwing ultimatums
all over the place, as if I’d brought a pet turd into the house and he was
supposed to keep it in his pocket all day. And once he’d been appeased there
was the logistics of the thing. The only place that she could realistically
stay was in my room. With me. With me!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh the humanity! She shits and squawks and has torn my arms
and legs to bits with her devil claws. I just don’t understand why people would
choose to have one? They’re like toys that you can’t switch off. And she doesn’t
listen. She walks on my laptop when I’m trying to write and crawls on my head
first thing in the morning because she’s hungry. I’ve never crawled on any one’s
head because I’m hungry. It’s just not reasonable behaviour. But anyway, I’m
just her lodgings. I’m determined that she’s not my cat and I chuck her in the
direction of my mum any opportunity I get. But then my mum chucks her back like
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‘She’s missing her mummy.’</div>
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‘You’re her mummy, Mum.’</div>
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And now my mum’s sad because the cat’s bonded with me,
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‘Anyway, look at the state of her.’</div>
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I look. She looks like she’s been drowned because the whole
time she was downstairs our dog’s been treating her like an ice-lolly and then
I start to curse my mum for not taking good enough care of her and I get a
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Bloody thing!<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
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</div>
Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-43358764802146328062012-08-30T17:07:00.001-07:002013-10-21T08:38:23.528-07:00How do you Measure Success as a Writer?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfVQeVTI8IXhGSnFnBOW_JEAxxQ5taZXC1SNnG0ft1l5j7sRDv81upBkK5V_rdJakjlFx8X4rcyiIah3X5Q-3Fat9YsWKuz0jFge2bwgCGQLGbDhTfbSPRIRlXZS1w8-SQ97vF5sx3Cjg/s1600/fifty-shades-of-grey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfVQeVTI8IXhGSnFnBOW_JEAxxQ5taZXC1SNnG0ft1l5j7sRDv81upBkK5V_rdJakjlFx8X4rcyiIah3X5Q-3Fat9YsWKuz0jFge2bwgCGQLGbDhTfbSPRIRlXZS1w8-SQ97vF5sx3Cjg/s200/fifty-shades-of-grey.jpg" height="200" width="130" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This question hadn’t really occurred to me until I was
catching up with an old friend last week and telling her about my debut novel
coming out. I can’t actually remember what was said, which admittedly takes
some of the power away from this anecdote, but I was left wondering at exactly
what point I would consider my writing career successful. I do remember that I
felt a little stressed and uneasy when I was babbling about the book and didn’t
really know why, but whatever she said really helped (although I really can’t
remember what it was). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think that much of my squirminess came from a fear of
being judged. I have worked with hundreds of authors to get their books
ship-shape and shiny, and advised them about the process, but now that my book’s
coming out I regret not offering them counselling and alcohol as part of my
service. It’s terrifying. My book goes out into the world and there’s
absolutely nothing I can do to control it once it’s left my grasp. People will
judge it, love it or hate it, and I just have to sit back and take it and hope
that I’ve grown enough layers of skin for the task. However, even worse than
being judged is not being judged. What if the only people who ever read it are
my friends and family and some guy from Exeter who accidently clicked the ‘buy
it’ button when he was trying to turn the TV over? Far worse than being hated
is being ignored. I’ve got a solid marketing machine, but what if it’s just not
that interesting? What if it’s crap? What if I’ve devoted my life to something
I’m no good at and it’s the biggest pile of crap ever written? Damn my friend
for stirring up these emotions with her forgettable counsel.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sure that anyone doing anything similar (like taking all
their clothes off and running through town) would probably feel similar; it’s
only natural to feel terror before exposing yourself, inside or out. But taking
stock and thinking about what I actually want to achieve is helping. If I don’t
set some kind of marker of success then I would only be happy if I got <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fifty Shades of Grey </i>success. Anything
else would be a failure. It’s good to have lofty ambitions, but does anyone
really want to spend their whole life chasing a lottery win? I could rely on
reviews to see what people think, but I get the feeling that people only write
reviews if they really love or really hate something. That’s half of the
problem; you don’t get a list of every reader’s phone number so you can call
for feedback. So how does a writer ever feel successful? Well, book sales are
the obvious marker. But am I aiming for tens? Hundreds? Thousands? Hundreds of
thousands? How will I ever know these things?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After giving all of this some thought I have come to a small
handful of conclusions. Firstly, all of the things I’m worrying about are
attempts to validate me as a writer. Do I actually need anyone to like my work?
Am I not successful because I write exactly what I want to write and I do it
well? Secondly, this whole writing hoo-haa is a lifetime process. I’ve written
lots and plan to write more. I love the project I’m currently working on and I
finished the one that’s coming out some time ago. Why should I care about it? I
learnt a lot from it, but I’ve moved on. The only way to succeed is to be
forward thinking. Also, should we ever really attach ourselves to an outcome
when being creative? I want to sell books now, but I couldn’t give two shits
about it when I was ten years old and writing little books that made me smile. In
fact, I think I need to remember that little girl more often. She would blather
on the page for hours and hours and make everyone read it, believing that it
was the best slice of fiction ever to grace a leaf of A4. Little Hayley rocked!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I have to be realistic. I don’t think I’m quite cool
enough to completely switch off from what people think of my books. In fact, I’m
excited to find out what people think, but I genuinely think I’m halfway to
success because I’m proud of what I do. At this early stage of my publishing
career, the other half of success would really just be for a steady stream of
people to read and enjoy the book. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-89608649657728351092012-08-27T18:55:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:38:46.859-07:00Frankie Boyle: Arsehole or Arsehole?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUZwhKk4vmNmS8UvmWQ1DnK71CBu_pCB_48kV5bpyfHugi0T04A7h3vEJsCKMUPvf0osSslv7SmH6Ggi9D9GlszW0rIVcfrreEO4nPVSJW_jSwYkEAW9qx6uR8q10VzmGN7GSN8Quee68/s1600/Frankie-Boyle-in-Tramadol-006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUZwhKk4vmNmS8UvmWQ1DnK71CBu_pCB_48kV5bpyfHugi0T04A7h3vEJsCKMUPvf0osSslv7SmH6Ggi9D9GlszW0rIVcfrreEO4nPVSJW_jSwYkEAW9qx6uR8q10VzmGN7GSN8Quee68/s200/Frankie-Boyle-in-Tramadol-006.jpg" height="120" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only discovered Channels 4’s Funny Fortnight a few days ago,
but better late than never. Caught the divine Dylan Moran, the hysterical Alan
Carr and then there’s Frankie Boyle…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In case you’re not familiar, well, Frankie Boyle looks like
Henry IIX in a suit, but hasn’t got the same good humour, sensitivity and
respect for women. In fact, he’s a bit like that Scottish guy I’ve seen
shouting in the street who’s got one shoe and sometimes pisses himself until
someone moves him along. But no one’s moving our Frankie along. His gleeful repertoire
delights in AIDS, cancer, rape and other human trifles and every twisted punch-line
is met with a rapturous ovation from an audience who can’t all have been
drugged and paid to be there.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t get it, but I feel as if I should be on-board. I
loved <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Brass Eye</i> and enjoy a good
shock, but it’s hard to laugh without a little safety net of irony or self-deprecation.
If Frankie thrashed himself with holly branches as he delivered the lines I’d
probably feel a bit more comfortable watching it. In fact, I knew I would
go straight to hell if I laughed at it. I could feel the heat on my toes as I
cracked a smile at a joke involving a vagina and a dead man’s handshake. Thankfully,
my laughing gear wasn’t given too much work to do for most of the programme, so I
think my soul is safe. The high point for me was watching the moral dilemma of
the celebrities in the audience, wondering if applauding John Terry’s rape face
would offend their fan-base and affect their sales, but that was it really. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Strangely, I applaud Frankie Boyle’s balls. Not many people
are able to get up and say exactly what they think, but is this what he thinks?
Surely he can’t function in the world, haemorrhaging so much bile. He’s got a
wife and kids and hasn’t been murdered, so he can’t be that bad in real life.
All I can think is that it’s shock for the sake of shock, which is almost
original if not a little brain-numbing. Or maybe it’s a case of ‘shit happens,
so we may as well laugh at the people it happens to’. He’s obviously hugely
talented and awesome with language; I just wish he would let a little sunshine
in his life.</div>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<b>Tell your friends by clicking one of the sharey icons below. </b></div>
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<br /></div>
Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-43880571074704235452012-08-26T07:47:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:39:06.633-07:00My Dentist Thinks I’m a Car and The Crooked God Machine<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy641NvyJeTirrp44NQjEhYoisJu6QCsq5SJY7TjTrfkSp6r_wom55jtgE91xxmUH3OztO21HKNjygjm-CbSq8aW0K1ouoll1rq5ppq_k0TMl2J2d0OOnKp3fpja9ZsFok2aqeOtLbhd8/s1600/Dentist-006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy641NvyJeTirrp44NQjEhYoisJu6QCsq5SJY7TjTrfkSp6r_wom55jtgE91xxmUH3OztO21HKNjygjm-CbSq8aW0K1ouoll1rq5ppq_k0TMl2J2d0OOnKp3fpja9ZsFok2aqeOtLbhd8/s200/Dentist-006.jpg" height="120" width="200" /></a></div>
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In the early chapters of my new book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Applauding Coat Factory</i>, the main character has an ancient car
and when he opens the door to get in or out, it sounds as if the creaking is
saying ‘Shoooees!!’ in a desperate, drawn-out plea; as if it wants him to paint
it pink, replace its tyres with heels and finally free it from this car-ish
nightmare; as if it really never wanted to be a car at all. Now, I am a lady
(although I don’t really enjoy heels and the like), but imagine the knots that
appeared in my head when (only weeks after writing this) I went to see a new
dentist and found that he seems to think I’m a car. That’s the only explanation
I can find for it. He didn’t particularly want to talk to me, even though I
have a reasonable grasp on which teeth hurt. He sat me down, jacked me up
energetically, pumping with his foot and then walked around me, stroking his
chin, obviously calculating the cash-to-dim-woman ratio. But it was at this
point that my car-ish nightmare really began. There was no ‘Open wide’. He cranked
opened my bonnet, clanked around with his tools and I swear there was a faint
smell of petrol. And his hands moved so quickly and brutally. When I think
about it now, I imagine myself pinned to the chair by those hands with my arms
and legs kicking out in all directions. Strangely, the only noise I seemed able
to make sounded a lot like ‘Shoooeeess!!’ </div>
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This whole ‘my dentist thinks I’m a car’ thing fits in quite
neatly with the book I’m reading at the moment, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://autumnchristian.net/tagged/autumn%27s-books">The Crooked
God Machine</a>. </i>For a start, it’s a gruelling, often horrifying read set
against a charred landscape where death is commonplace and God is on every
channel, screaming for the people of Edgewater to repent (okay, so the
connection is a loose one!) There are monsters and deadheads, hell shuttles and
every character is hideously damaged. The real connection, however, and my
reason for bringing it up is that the author, <a href="http://autumnchristian.net/">Autumn Christian</a> (great name), is a
master of surreal description. The true horror of this book is in the details,
the language, which I found myself swimming in rather than reading.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTeiZ3oSG6PUsZsAcoZ0ecUr8a8_7FNHTFFVjJ8q-5Yj_McCXRdNsrhST6frU0AwiRgn83n2c05tKVCKKq2pG058DqELiWJseMpAXA5-zdRmidII5C_jxJH2UhvWHqRR_A2iiCIyXJDFc/s1600/god1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTeiZ3oSG6PUsZsAcoZ0ecUr8a8_7FNHTFFVjJ8q-5Yj_McCXRdNsrhST6frU0AwiRgn83n2c05tKVCKKq2pG058DqELiWJseMpAXA5-zdRmidII5C_jxJH2UhvWHqRR_A2iiCIyXJDFc/s200/god1.jpg" height="200" width="137" /></a></div>
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‘I curled up against her ribcage and tried to guess how many
birds could hide inside her bones.’ </div>
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What a beautifully horrific sentiment. I don’t think I’ve
ever read such engaging, languid language in such a hopeless context.
Everything is wrong in this book. In fact, it’s been so dark and so wrong for
so long that it’s now commonplace and no one even reacts anymore. As a reader
you begin to feel the same way. Reading about the baby who chews off his own
thumb and spits it against the wall in the beginning of the book bent my stomach
out of shape, but after many more hours in Christian’s company, I felt as
desensitised as the residents of Edgewater. Every description was a pair of
bloody dentist’s hands in my mouth that I couldn’t bite off so I may as well
accept. Horror isn’t particularly my bag, but the dystopia that the author has
created made the book unputdownable and beneath this desperate world is a story
of love and spirit. Highly recommended! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Incidentally, I’ve got to go back to the dentist in a few
weeks for treatment and I really hope there’s a different mechanic on that day.</div>
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Also incidentally, I’ve just read that Autumn Christian was
born in the late eighties of all things. Really makes me wonder what I’ve been
doing with my time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
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Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5337263844216279774.post-43098768438040661452012-08-21T07:27:00.000-07:002013-10-21T08:39:49.470-07:00I'm Not Jennifer Saunders<br />
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That’s right, I’m not Jennifer Saunders and neither are you
(unless you are. In which case hello and I’m sorry that this blog isn’t about
you. I’m a huge fan, but I’m not Jennifer Saunders. You are). I’m Hayley
Sherman. I’m a writer and I do things for other writers for money. I write
novels about people who have a questionable grasp on reality, which can lead to
questions about my own handle on the subject, but one thing is definitely for
certain – I’m not Jennifer Saunders and this I have to tell myself often.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieeTdzMfhQN5i034KQb27aDwgA8HvhbHbWXjpaFzUjLfqiam5424jYVGT0Ar6qMMTPKCiXCdRh8b5fcRFj1BiWNEg92uBc0lYL3WF-VbH7avyAinJMATtYVQeu7id6AW605P2od6cRMcA/s1600/220px-Girls_On_Top.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieeTdzMfhQN5i034KQb27aDwgA8HvhbHbWXjpaFzUjLfqiam5424jYVGT0Ar6qMMTPKCiXCdRh8b5fcRFj1BiWNEg92uBc0lYL3WF-VbH7avyAinJMATtYVQeu7id6AW605P2od6cRMcA/s200/220px-Girls_On_Top.jpg" height="200" width="137" /></a></div>
You may wonder about the relevance of Jennifer Saunders in
all this. Well, in truth we all have a Jennifer Saunders and mine came into my
life when I was a child. She was in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">French
and Saunders</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Girls on Top</i> and
then came <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Absolutely Fabulous</i> and she
rocked my world. I would watch the videos over and over again until I could
recite the words and dazzle my friends who would always get them wrong. I’d
tape interviews on the TV and cut out articles about her and sometimes I’d find
that my mouth would move the way hers does or I’d say something and sound a bit
like her. Jennifer was my Beatles and Elvis Presley. She was my Bros and
Boyzone… But then I grew up. I put away my playthings, got jobs and
relationships. I went into the big wide world, put Jennifer in a cupboard and
only pulled her out when there was a slump. She was strictly reserved for bad
days and sick days. She would make me feel a little better and then I’d be off
again.</div>
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Did I mention that I want to live in a narrowboat? In fact,
I want two narrowboats, one in England and one abroad. I want to slosh about in
little canals and write strange and unusual prose. I want to meet the oddly
shaped neighbours and share stories of a mystical past. I want to sit on the
stickyouty bit on the end of my boat with my feet sending out ripples and gulp
at the night air. I don’t want to be being Jennifer Saunders at this time in my
life, but she’s crept back in. There was the illness then the breakup. Then
there was the move to a shared house (my parent’s house!). Then there was the
day my back exploded and I bought the entire Jennifer Saunders back catalogue
to help me recover from the surgery. The family drama, the friends moving on
without me, the view from my little boxroom window at a world that’s got
smaller and smaller, time stretching out endlessly behind and in front of me.</div>
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But no more!</div>
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I will not be Jennifer Saunders!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVdaQVyTZwpJdlJOPfQyKhCXI2isU3Q4p09G0rha0AhIzz_4wfoORzXgDDi1I2RVtGcqVz2yuMAEnFitDzCuvCCrOxVEru0SoOeshh5Mq46jcPTULNz4vRyIkFCy6kFgRzmjedRbuPPDQ/s1600/2258336857_absolutely20fabulous_xlarge.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVdaQVyTZwpJdlJOPfQyKhCXI2isU3Q4p09G0rha0AhIzz_4wfoORzXgDDi1I2RVtGcqVz2yuMAEnFitDzCuvCCrOxVEru0SoOeshh5Mq46jcPTULNz4vRyIkFCy6kFgRzmjedRbuPPDQ/s200/2258336857_absolutely20fabulous_xlarge.jpeg" height="141" width="200" /></a></div>
I will not watch another episode as long as there is great
fiction to be read and written. I am a clean slate, a recovering Jennifer
Saunders, poised to waltz not wallow, and I invite you to share my journey into
the written word, the spoken life and the world of endless possibilities. </div>
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In advance, my new friend, I would like to thank you for
accompanying me on my voyage. Leave me a comment. Say hello. I can tell already
that you’re a real sweetie, darling.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJHpwcPrNI6ITKXLOfTWjPDt98esjysobBY4lYqAAnje_t7WenFStGFQlwHHziVCoaQD6LreY-_fGZrjtB7VjRuXvP5voyLEBRyl0YpfUQJyVEqM5lUFa2a5W73wQxbbs9V0y2pPB8go/s1600/Diazepam+for+Sale+ebook.tiff" height="200" width="141" /></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/diazepam-for-sale/"><b>Diazepam for Sale</b></a>, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diazepam-for-Sale-ebook/dp/B009R60HMO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353157260&sr=1-1">Amazon</a><br />
<br />
<i>Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on
the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra
and Diazepam for sale... </i><br />
<i>A fairytale for a prozac nation...</i><br />
<i>Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hayley-sherman.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.hayley-sherman.co.uk </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<b>ENJOYED THE BLOG? </b></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Hayley Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04207183495704284788noreply@blogger.com2