This question hadn’t really occurred to me until I was
catching up with an old friend last week and telling her about my debut novel
coming out. I can’t actually remember what was said, which admittedly takes
some of the power away from this anecdote, but I was left wondering at exactly
what point I would consider my writing career successful. I do remember that I
felt a little stressed and uneasy when I was babbling about the book and didn’t
really know why, but whatever she said really helped (although I really can’t
remember what it was).
I think that much of my squirminess came from a fear of
being judged. I have worked with hundreds of authors to get their books
ship-shape and shiny, and advised them about the process, but now that my book’s
coming out I regret not offering them counselling and alcohol as part of my
service. It’s terrifying. My book goes out into the world and there’s
absolutely nothing I can do to control it once it’s left my grasp. People will
judge it, love it or hate it, and I just have to sit back and take it and hope
that I’ve grown enough layers of skin for the task. However, even worse than
being judged is not being judged. What if the only people who ever read it are
my friends and family and some guy from Exeter who accidently clicked the ‘buy
it’ button when he was trying to turn the TV over? Far worse than being hated
is being ignored. I’ve got a solid marketing machine, but what if it’s just not
that interesting? What if it’s crap? What if I’ve devoted my life to something
I’m no good at and it’s the biggest pile of crap ever written? Damn my friend
for stirring up these emotions with her forgettable counsel.
I’m sure that anyone doing anything similar (like taking all
their clothes off and running through town) would probably feel similar; it’s
only natural to feel terror before exposing yourself, inside or out. But taking
stock and thinking about what I actually want to achieve is helping. If I don’t
set some kind of marker of success then I would only be happy if I got Fifty Shades of Grey success. Anything
else would be a failure. It’s good to have lofty ambitions, but does anyone
really want to spend their whole life chasing a lottery win? I could rely on
reviews to see what people think, but I get the feeling that people only write
reviews if they really love or really hate something. That’s half of the
problem; you don’t get a list of every reader’s phone number so you can call
for feedback. So how does a writer ever feel successful? Well, book sales are
the obvious marker. But am I aiming for tens? Hundreds? Thousands? Hundreds of
thousands? How will I ever know these things?
After giving all of this some thought I have come to a small
handful of conclusions. Firstly, all of the things I’m worrying about are
attempts to validate me as a writer. Do I actually need anyone to like my work?
Am I not successful because I write exactly what I want to write and I do it
well? Secondly, this whole writing hoo-haa is a lifetime process. I’ve written
lots and plan to write more. I love the project I’m currently working on and I
finished the one that’s coming out some time ago. Why should I care about it? I
learnt a lot from it, but I’ve moved on. The only way to succeed is to be
forward thinking. Also, should we ever really attach ourselves to an outcome
when being creative? I want to sell books now, but I couldn’t give two shits
about it when I was ten years old and writing little books that made me smile. In
fact, I think I need to remember that little girl more often. She would blather
on the page for hours and hours and make everyone read it, believing that it
was the best slice of fiction ever to grace a leaf of A4. Little Hayley rocked!
But I have to be realistic. I don’t think I’m quite cool
enough to completely switch off from what people think of my books. In fact, I’m
excited to find out what people think, but I genuinely think I’m halfway to
success because I’m proud of what I do. At this early stage of my publishing
career, the other half of success would really just be for a steady stream of
people to read and enjoy the book.
Diazepam for Sale, the debut novel by Hayley Sherman is now available on Amazon
Time travel as a cure for depression, the Mods and Rockers on the West Pier, a vengeful Sat Nav lady, a seagull-stalked Frank Sinatra and Diazepam for sale...
A fairytale for a prozac nation...
Fiction for a world that doesn't behave the way it should....
www.hayley-sherman.co.uk
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